hey dolls. its been awhle. but i assure you im back for good this time. my weight is grotesquely out of control. i feel like one of those people who like got married and had kids and 1 years later she looks at a herself in her wedding pictures and shes like? wait? when the hell was i that skinny? and then realezes how fat she is now. yeah thatspretty much ME. Im going to start writing down n here everything i eat calories... calories from fat etc... blah blah blah.

Today ive had a bagel w/ creamcheese, 100 calorie pack of like cookie things.... and an individual bag of chex mix... this is all around 500 calories.... but ill say 550 just to be safe.. and ive already ran about 2 miles today.. im going to go back down on my tradmill more later though so i can have atleast 2 hours of some good calorie burning.... oh and i still have to eat dinner with the family (this meal is unavoidable...) but it looks pretty lean... meat, veggies and such so at least another 200-350 cals there. gezz.

i want to get back down to about 200 calories a day AT LEAST.

but enough about how ugly and FAT i have gotten... This friday is me and my boyfriend nicholas's 1 year aniversary and im so excited. rumor has it that hes getting me a promise ring to go allong with the diamond necklace and earings he got me for christmass..... as for my exies and i... istill talk to joey.. the other nick.. well he moved out to wyoming with his family and hes perfictly happy with his new girlfriend there.... and uhm i dont talk to the rest of them... and i know some of you girls have said that i get more boyfriends than you do hotmeals... but me and nicky G.... i think were gonna be together for a while.......

ive gained 7 lbs. its the holiday season. and my lack of willpower to my moms baking. GAH and were goin on vacation in february to a very exspensive ritzy tropical resort... that means swim suit... in public. so yeah i need to get control of myself.. and fast. 7LBS!!! i have been moping around and biting everyones heads off... and for the 1st time in a long time... some of my jeans are tight and my shirts look horribble on me. idk why but when i feel like obese (as i do right now) i dont even act like myself... like it isnt me. im just so miserable. Blah. idk why weight matters to me so much. ill always be fat no matter what i do. i cant loose weight. Well i can but it takes forever and the secondi eat anything it piles right back on.

ah oh well. my and the boyfriend nick garchow are still together.<33 i love him to peices. to see some mega cute pictures of us look at my myspace http://www.myspace.com/braindead2127  but ive still somehow managed to be like best friends with my ex joey. which we wound up breaking up because his bestfriends girlfriend told her boyfriend lies about me.. who then told joey who then didnt directly tell me this, but he just acted funny. i thought he was just being a dick and so then.. i broke up with him. So it was really all because some stupid whore got a wild hair up her ass and one day decided she didnt like having to be around me all the time... So idk i feel like we should have never really broken up.. but once we figured all of this out we were both already hooked up. idk i feel like he still likes me though. We still hang out and see eachother quite often. I saw him tonight infact at a mini concert dealy. here this is the message he sent me on myspace (on the bottom) and the one i sent back (on top) tell me what you think:

To:	i clench .. http://www.myspace.com/skakidsyeah
Date:	Dec 22 2006 10:49 AM Flag as Spam or Report Abuse [ ? ]
Subject:	RE: Hey
Body:	hey well im glad youd think of me during ur second hour class. lol. I do hope ur mockrock thing went well... wish i coulda saw it. but yeah... i am going to the hall show today, no doubt. ill be there like 5, 5:30. I actually really cant wait to hang out with you. lol weve been trying but when we actually do see eachother we only talk for like 2 seconds. but i will be there. I promise. even if my car breaks down, i will walk. loves you too jodi ----------------- Original Message ----------------- From: i clench my fists as i release my sins Date: Dec 22 2006 12:30 PM hey sweetie how have you been? just wondering...... im at school right on 2nd hour..... and im really board last day of school and all i have mock rock umm 5th hour i cant wait its gonna be awesome ill let you know how everything goes..... umm and then l8ter around 5 theres the hall show! Are you going to it? its gonna be fucking amazing like i wonna like see all the bands there.... well if you go we..'ll like smoke a cig together or sumthing lame hahaha well i gt get back to class in 2 minutes FUCK Love ya

  

So my diet lately has been nothing BUT coffe. coffe coffe coffe coffe. And its given me somuch energy. Lately ive been hangin out with a new social crowd quite a bit. Its my boyfriends friends, his brother's girlfriend [Caelin, who is amazingly beautiful] and his friends. Most of them are boys and they eat like crazy! So i went to their family's wedding [for theyre cousin Tommy] and of course there was food... and it was infront of his family so i had to eat.. I tried to eat a little bit of the chicken and pull off the "its so humid im not hungry..." thing. And we left the reception early -thank god- we left right after the cake was cut so i got outta that one.. But then we went to Wendy's. I was like i dont have any money... sure enough nick did but i was able to eat about half my burger then pitch it fore anyone noticed.

But otherwise, ive been very good. Im proud of myself. I haven weighed myself yet but i can tell ive lost weight in my legs {finally!!} Nick S (mr. wyoming) called me the other day. We never fully broke up or anything. And were still very very close and i know he still loves me and i still love him (to an extent) But i still had to tell him i have a boyfriend here (Nick G) I dont think he took it well.... Im supposed to be talking to him again today... so yeh yeh yeh.

New pics.

Im finally starting to get the facial definition that i want. I can see my cheek bones really well now! lol this was in the back of my friend Jamie's truck and it was after a huge waterballoon fight and all my make up is comming off! i look horrible!

awwh. i stole his hat, and hes squinting. idk what face im tryin to make here... but its not workin...

Now... Compare the smiles... the 1st one is this past sunday.. then the 2nd one is from a couple weeks ago..

and that was my face a couple weeks ago... big difference, No?

ha my back looks fatty in that picture. Im gonna take a new one soon i promise. Yeah Ive broken up with Joey. He found out about Nick Sekely so yeah. Nick Sekely has moved to Wyoming and my parents still hate him and they dont want me to talk to him, but weve kept in touch and i still love him.

But ive found a new Boyfriend. His name is Nicholas Garchow. And he knows everything about me. Nick is seriously my best friend. And ive liked him since about December of this year.. but then i met Joey.. Then Nick Sekely.. so yeah. Now were finally together. I actually think that ive talked about him in past entries quite a bit. Hes my old Boyfriend Jacob's friend. So ive known Garch for a very long time. i dont know what id do with out him.

 this is me at a dance this year.

this is me and Nick Garchow... arent we cuuute?? hes hot, no?

and that is his little brother Andrew, who is evil, but cute at the same time. And he thinks i smell pretty.awe lol. my nickname around his house is jodi with an I. Dont ask me how that happened, but i am.

i think these last 3 pictures of me are good/bad. i can still see some bones. But its like ugh i feel like ive gained weight but i havent. Im hoping its muscle, but im still afraid to weigh myself these past couple weeks. Im stopping working out and eveything because it makes me feel like im gaining weight or something. idk. Prehaps im just odd.

And once again.. i have a boyfriend who is skinnier than I am. Garch is 6'4.... 154lbs. yeah. So Joey was skinnier than me and so is garch. Great. I can never catch a break can i??

hello all. Im down another 5 lbs. Omg last week i had to eat dinner at joeys house (we been together for 3mo. now!!)... i was terrified. I only ate half a small steak... oh man i still feel bad about that. But it was a lean steak so i dont think it did that much damage. I think he knows somethings going on. He always tries to make me eat. im just always like im not hungry, i dont want to. but he never stops. And were always always always at his house now since hes got his lisence. It sucks i hate it. But I'm not about to come out and tell him the truth... no way. but he found out about my cutting. he saw it on my arm one day and hes made me stop that. I tuly do love him.. but ive gotten mixed up w/ another boy recently my cousin Sarah's (shes ana too) Boyfriend Kevin's brother Nick. (yeh i know way to keep it in the family huh?) Who ive know since i was in 5ht grade and he was my 1st time, so ill always love him and well always have a 'thing.' but theres just something about nick. Ill go into dairy queen and actually split and chocolate milkshake w/ him. Thats when i was like wow, i must really really really really like this guy because i just drank almost half a small chocolate milkshake w/ him just so i could sit in the same side of the booth w/ him. here is: hes so cute!!

thing is, is that he might be moving to wyoming w/ his parents when school gets out. if that happens, im pretty sure im gonna shoot myself. Because i love this boy.

then heres joey and myself. hes a retard.